Paralysis

"For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do." (Romans 7:19 from the 1769 King James Bible - Authorised Version) Or, in modern parlance: Why do I do that which I ought not to do, and why don’t I do that which I know I should?

These are some things which, at times, paralyse me:

1. Procrastination
2. Anxiety
3. Stress
4. Fear
5. Exhaustion
6. Overwhelming sadness
7. Joy

I put procrastination at the top of the list because it is the thing which, at this time in my life, most often stops me from getting done those things I ought to - perhaps because there are so many great distractors in my life right now!

Moving down the list: "Hold on" - you might say - "aren't anxiety, stress and fear simply different names for the same thing?"

Personally, I like to nuance them. In my individualized dictionary, anxiety is a nebulous, non-specific state which may be traced back to a specific trigger, or may not; stress is caused by particular circumstances, and fear is a set of negative feelings about something which may or may not happen.

Exhaustion? When you're just too tired to put one foot in front of another, too sleepy to construct one more sentence? That's an effective paralyzer.

Overwhelming sadness: ah ... to have one's limbs bound by grief; that is a terrible thing.

But, on occasion, I am so overwhelmed by the joy and beauty of being alive that I am rendered actionless. Or, perhaps, I choose not to act, in order not to lose connection with the experience of joy.

As I write this, I am, of course, avoiding doing something else. Quite a few things, really. I'm avoiding doing the housework, but I was only going to do the housework to give me a good excuse not to work on my bookkeeping, which I was planning to finish before doing some sewing for both the new baby in my family and also myself. But none of that matters, because doing this writing is something I deem important, right?

Perhaps number 8 on the list should be "being too clever by half and compiling plausible excuses to justify inaction".

Seriously, though, when I am avoiding doing something I had planned to do - isn't fear always at the root of that behaviour? Fear of a negative feeling, such as boredom; fear of the consequences of failure, or success; fear of beginning something, and not being able to finish it? Fear of moving from my current state, even if that is an unpleasant one, to a new state? Fear of revealing just what I may be capable of?

What did Leunig write in "A Common Prayer"? Something about there being only two states: fear and love. In this context, what would the love look like?

Today I have no answers, only a list of reasons I don't get things done, and questions about why. Usually when I sit down to write something like this, a conclusion arises from the process of writing. I'm finding it very frustrating that this isn't happening today. I wonder why? What's different?

Argh! Least satisfying post ever. Think I might just sign off here and leave these thoughts rest for a while.